Bowen Theory

Bowen Family Systems Theory (BFST), named after its creator, Murray Bowen, describes human functioning as part of a system of relationships shaped by evolution. Families are the primary mechanism for transmitting these evolved patterns in most modern cultures, and Murray Bowen used studies with families to develop his theory. In turn, the patterns that appear in our lives outside of our family reflect those we find inside of it.

For many, the significance of family dynamics can be painfully obvious, while for others, it is less apparent or meaningful. Nevertheless, for better or worse (and often, there is a “better” side that we do not give enough credit to!), we are all touched by the patterns in our family.

Tenets of BFST that I often explore with clients are:

Anxiety. Anxiety in BFST is conceptualized slightly differently than in other theories. It is not regarded as good or bad. It is simply what our biology evolved to drive action; if it were unnecessary, nature wouldn’t have selected for it! In appropriate quantities, it is healthy (and essential in emergencies!). When it is unnecessary, it drives the four negative relationship patterns below unless appropriately managed. Anxiety is both acute (isolated to a specific situation) and chronic (it stays imprinted in our nervous system, such as with trauma) and affects our behaviour and even our personality.
Differentiation. This concept resembles the “Self-actualization” of Person-Centred Theory. It refers to a client’s balance of individuality (behaviour motivated by self-interest) and togetherness (behaviour motivated by others). BFST divides anxiety into functional (situation-dependent and basic (the average over time of functional) differentiation.
Four negative relationship patterns. Each of the following patterns is a natural, evolved response to reduce our subjective feeling of anxiety:
- Conflict: While most of us experience this in at least one area of life, Gottman’s Four Horsemen of Relationships illustrates the forms conflict can take and how to work with them thoroughly! In one sense, conflict is an attempt to manage excess anxiety by venting it into a relationship, sometimes involving projection (see below).
- Emotional distance. This pattern manifests as avoiding intimacy and open, honest, and heartfelt communication. It may (but does not necessarily) have a physical component (for example, spouses who sleep in separate bedrooms or offspring who move cities or even countries to get space from the rest of their family).
- Projection: This pattern is also referred to as “anxious focus.” It’s a method of managing anxiety by trying to fix what (or who) a client perceives as the source of the anxiety. Most often, I describe this pattern with the analogy of a flashlight. When we anxiously focus on someone, or someone focuses on us, it feels like a flashlight in the eyes. How do we function with a flashlight in our eyes? Generally, we don’t do as well and even flail around! People tend to struggle the same when they become the object of someone else’s anxiety, or they may respond with conflict and even cut off to discourage or reduce the intensity of the focus.
- Cut off. This pattern is the complete absence of contact between two people (often between family members) and is an effective means to counter the other relationship patterns. Unfortunately, it doesn’t tend to stop echoes of those patterns from appearing in other relationships because of the “emotional programming” reflected in the balance of differentiation and type of patterns our families imparted to us. Thus, cut-off comes with liabilities that a person needs to manage. However, like anxiety, I do not regard it as either good or bad. In fact, in extreme cases, it may even be necessary.
Emotional Triangles. An emotional triangle is a temporary (but often recurring) set of relationships involving three people in three different relationships, like the side of a triangle. BFST regards the emotional triangle as the smallest stable emotional system since a two-person system tends to increase anxiety via the reactive patterns of the couple in a feedback loop without another relationship to act as a pressure release. One or two relationships will be anxiety-driven and express one of the four relationship patterns above. At least one relationship will be calm and relatively free of anxiety. Each triangle will have an “outsider” (a person less emotionally involved, or for better or worse, isolated) and two “insiders” (the people in the triangle who are more emotionally involved or think and act alike toward the third person). The relationship patterns involved in the triangle will affect the position of each person in the triangle and which patterns are (or are not) expressed.

An example of an emotional triangle that often comes up in therapy involves two parents and a child. Either the parents are in a calm relationship and experience anxiety toward the child (and often vice versa!), or one parent and the child are in a calm relationship, and anxiety is present in one or both of the other relationships. A second example that frequently occurs is the affair. Anxiety in a primary partnership drives a person to create a new partnership with an outsider and reduce the togetherness with the other partner. In this case, the new partners become insiders, and the deceived partner becomes an unwitting outsider. Do you see how that happened? The new relationship may stabilize the primary partnership until the other partner discovers the infidelity and the couple comes to therapy.

Multigenerational Patterns. Whatever happened to you may have happened to someone else in your clan. “The apple does not fall far from the tree,” as they say! Often, parents transmit intergenerational patterns through the flashlight of anxious focus in emotional triangles involving children, the latter of whom, by nature of their position and role in the family, are especially vulnerable to negative patterns. For example, suppose Dad was an alcoholic parent, and Jonny, his son, was more emotionally vulnerable to him because of distance from Jonny’s Mom, who, out of well-meaning concern, protected Jonny’s siblings more. In that case, key events defining Dad’s role as a parent may have shaped Jonny’s expectations of himself and others, leading to the adoption of a similar pattern until voila, one day, an epiphany hits Jonny like a lightning strike: he’s an alcoholic parent, too!

In practice, I use BFST to support clients in changing how they function in their relationships. Once the pattern changes, the client’s symptoms will change. Steps involved in this process include:

Identifying family-of-origin patterns. In addition to exploration in therapy, this step may involve reaching out to family members for more information about the family history.
Identifying one’s part in relationship patterns. I often use an electrical circuit analogy to describe reactivity to clients. Both people in a relationship help to maintain a pattern, like transmitting electricity. However, if one person stops whatever they do to continue the cycle, the circuit stops working.
Implementing a new behaviour. Doing something different than one has previously followed may require practice and some trial and error. Still, the more knowledge a client has about their family, the easier it is for them to predict how others will react and, therefore, predict what will increase and decrease reactivity.

Two standard techniques I help clients apply in changing their part in relationship patterns are:

Practicing “responsible self.” Given what a client knows about how a pattern is maintained and what role they play, what principles will they follow to guide their behaviour moving forward? What are they prepared to do or not do? It’s crucial to note that in practicing “responsible self,” a person isn’t trying to change anyone else but oneself. However, if one person changes their part in a pattern, the relationship system will adjust automatically (provided the one has freed others to manage themselves and has let go of attachment to any specific outcome). Thus, there is both grief and liberation in working on one’s part in relationships. The bad news is that we can only change our part responsibly. The good news is that we only have to change our part to improve our well-being.
De-triangulation. Rather than take sides or distance, which tends to increase the intensity of the patterns in the emotional triangle, the goal with this technique is to remain curious and neutral to the other members of the triangle while focusing on managing one’s own behaviour and allowing others to manage theirs. It is, in essence, not bailing out the other two people from being responsible for their issues or expecting someone else to take responsibility for ours. While this may increase anxiety initially (including the client’s, since they are implementing a new behaviour!), if successful, it should ultimately reduce the reactivity in the relationships and introduce a healthier pattern.

In summary, Bowen Family Systems Theory is a powerful tool for understanding the patterns of one’s family, shedding light on parts of the picture that may be crucial for a fuller understanding and pointing to where, how- and with whom- a person may find resolution.