Relationship Counselling
Relationship counselling applies to couples' work and equally to individual work. In fact, whatever problem a client brings to counselling, their relationships have played a part at some level. This is why, by the same token, positive relationship networks such as supportive family and peer groups are so influential for successful therapy.
Like a dog wagging its tail, in some cases, the emphasis is on working with a client's relationships (the dog) to impact the client's internal experience (the tail). I work from a systemic perspective grounded in Bowen Family Systems Theory, which views our family-of-origin relationship patterns as the template for the relationship patterns outside of our original family: those with friends, colleagues, partners, spouses, and children.
Invariably, I work with some combination of conflict, distance, projection, and cut-off, illustrated respectively below. There are countless variations of these patterns. Do any of them sound familiar?
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1.) "I feel like if I didn't drink, I would be fighting with my spouse all the time because they're so demanding. I need a way to cope," or, "My spouse and I fight all the time over my drinking or seemingly every little thing!"
2.) "My partner and I haven't had a heart-to-heart conversation in years. We sleep in separate bedrooms, and we have no love life. I assume they're seeing other people, but I don't ask, and they don't tell. Do we still love each other?" or "I can't make friends. They all disappear or seem flaky. I've never felt secure in my relationships, and I want to find 'my people.'"
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3.) "I want my child to succeed, so I push them. That's what my parents did, and it was for the best, so why can't my child understand me?" or, "My parents keep pushing me, and I'm already an adult. I can feel them breathing down my neck; I want them off my back!"
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4.) "I can't stand my family, so I've cut them off, but they continue reaching out to me. What do I do?"
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In all of these situations, I do my best to support the client with a person-centred perspective, using empathy and reflection to support the client's development of clarity and perspective about their situation. I often assist them to find solutions to their dilemmas by exploring the narratives they use to understand their problem and activate strengths and strategies at their disposal. Finally, I use family systems theory to identify the pattern and the client's part in it. Once the client knows their role in the drama that unfolds, it becomes possible to rewrite the script and act accordingly!
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If you're curious to know more about my counselling approaches, you can find more information here.