Therapy starts with a story
“Stories are truer than the Truth,” goes a saying I once heard. Stories drive us, inspire us, and haunt us. Everyone has them, and everyone in therapy is working with at least one.
It’s a story you might not share with anyone anymore, about how you see the world since trauma turned your life upside down. You don’t share it because others think you’re exaggerating, or grow distant and withdraw.
It’s a story you might no longer share with your spouse, about how they make you feel, or how you’d like them to make you feel- a story that gets denied, dismissed, or attacked. You feel gaslit, you’re tired of defending yourself, and you’re just wondering if you can keep going.
It’s a story that might feel fragmented, waiting to be finished. It might be stuck in the memory of your spouse or kid gazing lovingly at you, or in the memory of the career you lost. It’s as if your life has writer’s block for what happens next, and you’re struggling to make sense of the options.
It’s okay. This is the place for stories like these.
The single most important factor in therapy
A peer’s mantra reassures me as I grow in my counselling career: “Therapy’s a conversation — just a conversation.”
Therapy is a conversation — except, given its emotional character, it’s not just “conversation,” is it? Sometimes, the “wrong” thing is said; maybe it’s some confusion, an irrelevant tangent by the counsellor, or a challenge to the client’s expectations.
Such sticking points happen in ordinary conversation, don’t they? Yet in a sometimes-unfriendly world with so much misinformation, the stakes can feel higher in therapy.
So, what makes such high-stakes emotional work possible? Most counsellors are highly skilled, experienced, and well-intentioned, so, in theory, most can help. That said, we’re imperfect humans with biases! So what I think makes therapy work, at its core, is something else: trust. For you, I mean: trust that I hold the insight you need; trust that you can be yourself; and, finally, that, in being yourself, I’ll honour your authenticity and acknowledge when I haven’t.
Another peer once told me that, when therapy works, it’s a courageous act of giving and receiving. The client reveals their life, which the counsellor witnesses with curiosity and compassion, and the counsellor gives their curiosity and compassion, which the client receives. Through such transparency and safety, change becomes possible.
The road of therapy is winding. We’ll encounter surprises and navigate obstacles as we shift from the present to the past and back again. That’s okay. Therapy is a living, creative process that will gradually seep into your life, improving it over time like a seed that blooms into a flower.
By using my skills and being transparent, accountable, and empathetic, I continually strive to earn my clients’ trust. If trust is flagging, I want to talk about it and whatever is in the way so we can get back on track. For their confidence in me, I admire and appreciate my clients. After all, to trust is an intentional choice, a leap of faith made when every moment of therapy is unique and unpredictable, bringing discovery, challenge, and triumph, in turn.
Thus, therapy, like life itself, is a journey built upon trust.
How can you tell if we’re a good fit?
The answer, in my mind, is both simple and nuanced. Sometimes, a client will ask me a similar question at the end of a consultation: “So, do you think you can help me?”
Ultimately, only you can answer the question, but I can break it down into two parts.
The first part concerns how our interpersonal styles match. One thing I can confidently say about myself is that I enjoy relating to all of my clients and to most people in my life. I’m a naturally curious, social person. At the same time, I speak directly and tend to avoid small talk as much as possible. Therefore, sessions with me are focused on the nitty-gritty, and I work best with clients who prefer a direct communication style, prefer to tackle their issues head-on rather than tiptoe around them, and are prepared to change the way they approach them, too. In other words, I work best with clients who, by nature or by necessity, come to therapy with determination and grit.
I also feel it’s important to say that my “neurospicy” brain adds a unique flavour to therapy. Will I throw in a random song or movie reference in the conversation that I think adds context to your issue and supports your emotional process? Probably. Will it take some explaining on my part? Maybe!
My (often dark) sense of humour is also core to my identity. I’m not above using it with my clients if the moment calls for it. It helps if you bring your sense of humour, too!
I’m also a firm believer that the client drives therapy. I don’t do “band-aid therapy” or “pill therapy,” and I don’t heal my clients. My clients heal themselves, while I act as a guide, consultant, and witness to their process.
While my interpersonal style is not everyone’s cup of tea, and I’m not the best partner for light conversation, I’ll wager that I’m exactly the person you want to talk to when you can no longer hide from the dark. I won’t flinch, I won’t look away, and I won’t leave you isolated to face the dark alone. For the same reason that I avoid small talk, I gravitate to deep, real conversation where we can acknowledge and explore the truth openly and without shame together. Then, as the saying goes, the truth will set you free ;)
The other part of whether I can help you concerns your readiness to move forward with healing. The context of your life here is important, which I can illustrate with the following story:
It starts with a dog lying on a deck next to his guardian and a guest. The dog starts to whimper, and while the guest notices, the guardian doesn’t. The whimpers turn to whines, and the whines to wails, until, desperate to help, the guest exclaims to his host, “What’s going on?!”
The guardian calmly replies, “Oh, he’s just sitting on a nail,” and shrugs.
The guest looks at his host, aghast. “So, why don’t you help him?!”
“I don’t need to,” the host replies. “It’s just not painful enough for him to move, yet.”
I want to emphasize that I don’t view my clients as anything other than fully human! At the same time, I think, metaphorically, everyone brings one or more “nails” on which they “sit” to therapy, not because they don’t want to get off them, but because there isn’t anywhere less painful yet to move to, or because moving might make it worse, such as in crises when stabilizing your situation takes priority over examining your life choices.
I believe that I’ve provided enough information on my website to help you decide if therapy with me is less painful than “sitting” on the “nails” that are stuck in your mind. At the same time, I welcome you to book a consultation with me to be sure that our personalities match, or to answer any questions that your “nails” are still asking ;)
In the meantime, I hope that by being transparent about my interpersonal style and sharing the narrative metaphor above, I’ve at least answered this question! :)
Therapy takes teamwork
My role
As I mentioned, a foundational part of my work is building and protecting trust with my clients. However, my job is more than that.
I also track the process and progress of therapy by regularly checking in to gather client feedback and by starting each session by referring to the previous one. Treating therapy as “one continuous session” adds focus and momentum to the process, helping clients reach their goals sooner.
Your role
Clients play a role in therapy, too- firstly, by defining the goals of therapy. What do you want to talk about and get out of therapy? They bring their life experience and expertise; In my view, the client is the expert in their life, not me. I can suggest tools and ideas that have benefitted many other clients, but each client exclusively knows how my input will fit into their unique situation. Finally, the client makes changes in their life to align with their goals.
Therapy’s evolution
When working with me, each session builds off of the last, but no session is the same. That’s because with enough focus and momentum, the process gets stronger, more hopeful, and more exciting, while being unique to each person.
Someone once described the therapy process as like a river, in that it flows over and smooths the stones and other obstacles in its way, adapting to reach its destination. In the same way, the therapeutic conversation flows over, explores, and navigates the obstacles the client discusses in their life.
Through this process, three distinct therapy stages emerge.
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First Stage: Over the first couple of sessions, we’ll thoroughly explore your situation with a systematic assessment. We might work on concrete changes you can make and practice immediately in your life, particularly for clients experiencing a high degree of stress. Some clients who need help with a specific problem find that finishing this stage is sufficient.
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Second Stage: Once the assessment is complete and we have managed acutely stressful situations, we’ll clarify your deeper values and vision for your life and develop a plan to bring them to fruition. The second stage focuses on life’s bigger picture and more complex content than in the first stage, but it’s no less vital to clients who need it.
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Third Stage: At this point, often after ten or more sessions, we’re focusing on what I call the deeper work of therapy. We’re talking about unpacking lingering childhood scars and about the ongoing struggles of living with trauma, treatment-resistant depression, etc. Some wounds require an indefinite amount of time to heal or ongoing support, a fact of life which this stage of therapy honours.
The ingredients of counselling
There might be more aspects I could mention, but on a technical level, I see three components interacting simultaneously in therapy. Between them is where the magic of therapy happens.
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The therapeutic alliance. Research has consistently shown that the rapport between client and counsellor is the most critical factor in predicting therapeutic outcomes. Ultimately, you and I are human beings, and to work well together, we need to build a strong rapport. That’s why building and improving it is my most crucial job.
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The client’s life. It often amazes me how much change can happen in a client’s life between one session and the next, whether the client planned it or not. Regardless, therapy must adapt to the changes to stay practical and relevant to the client’s goals.
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My skills and experience. I employ two therapeutic styles and three primary therapeutic theories, mixing and matching them to suit each client’s individual needs, personality, and preferences. While there are key differences that distinguish them, all of them serve the principal goal of empowering the client to support change in their life. Please click on the boxes below to learn more!
Therapeutic Styles
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Counselling Theories
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